Befitting, don't you think?
Now, while I would very much like to kick-start this new blog of mine with a light topic, alas, I do not have present materials for a blog that would fall under said category. So... I suppose you - people who somehow come across this blog - would all have to make do with what I have to share.
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It takes more than just simple chatter to grow close to someone. Over time, when you're able to converse with them a bit more, you get to learn more about them, become more comfortable in their company, learn to trust them and consider them a friend. And because you consider them a friend, they start to grow attached to you and you develop feelings of worry or concern for them whenever they're showing signs of sadness. Because you consider them a friend, you start to try making them a part of your life.
Such is... or was... my case.
Nightly chats with someone for at least 3-4 hours during the past few months produces such closeness to someone. It was quite ironic that this person and I never once met each other in person unless it was by accident or unavoidable circumstance (Don't worry, this person and I got acquainted through my girlfriend - yes, girlfriend - at the start of the year, so it's not as though I randomly met this person off the internet.), but all the same, it was always something to look forward to.
It was interesting to see how things had developed through the past months. It's funny really how this person started off as being my teacher for a particular subject that involved relationships (which I would rather leave unexpounded). Even back then, we were still chatting on a nightly basis. When I had somehow 'graduated' from that class, we went on to regard one another in the master/apprentice fashion because I would not deny the fact that through those lessons, I had somehow taken away a few defining characteristics that resembled this person's personality.
It didn't take long before we came to regard one another as a parent and child... A father and his son, to be more specific (by my mentioning this, it would give you an idea of the gender of the person I keep speaking of). Now, I know you're all wondering why I mentioned myself a 'son' when I'm actually a girl. Well, to be honest, I guess the whole fact that I was with a girlfriend, this person wanted to regard me more as a son than a daughter. Not that I found myself complaining.
I guess you could say I was so keen on the idea of this platonic father-son relationship between him and I that I didn't resent the idea, but wanted to bask in it for as long as I possibly could. Now that he and I regarded one another as a father and son, there was just a light feeling of mutual happiness and bliss during our evening chats that even the rituals of bidding good night was something to look forward to. In a way, I felt safe.
The best thing I ever got out of this father-son relationship with him were his bedtime stories. Like a true caring father, he went out of his way to make up a few stories for me that even until now, I could recall every single one. The first ever story he told me was in the plot of Prince of Tennis. The stories that followed, were, by my request, stories involving the virtual family he and I shared, which had grown up until this past April or May. The stories piled up one after the other, but I wouldn't be one to deny that with every story, there was a lingering theme that was present 80% of the time. Out of the 10 stories he had told me, 8 of them spoke of a father-son relationship that would not be overlooked. After all, the characters in the stories were real people linked together by their viritual families.
Looking back on them, I guess I can pinpoint one story that will always stick with me the most: the vampire plot.
A mansion where a father and his son lived. In the midst of a storm, a traveler and his younger sister come knocking, seeking shelter. The son allows them in on the condition that they not wander around. The girl, curious as she was, sneaks out on her brother and explores the mansion and gets lost. She enters the boy's room and makes her way out after a quick apology only to have the boy stop her and advance on her. As he has her pinned down on the bed and is about to bite the girl's neck, the voice of his father stops him and he moves away. It is revealed that the boy was turned into a vampire and his father has locked himself in the mansion figuring out a way to return him to his original self. The next day, a vampire hunter arrives to try and kill the vampire. The girl protects the boy, and by the power of love, the boy returns to normal and the story ends with the traveler and his sister living with the father-son pair in the mansion to all live happy lives.
This story is my favorite among all the stories he had told me. I don't know why, but it just is. Whether it's the plot of the story or the way it was told, I couldn't tell. But this is the story that will stay with me forever.
Being genuinely happy with the situation... was all I ever felt. Not once did I consider the possibility that everything that was happening was just for show. I poured my heart out. I was honest with my feelings... My heart was at ease knowing that I had someone I could depend on. Whenever I was depressed, I would let him in and allow him to help me get through what was troubling me.
Day by day, that was our routine. We would chat for hours at a time every single day and would complain if we weren't allowed that time together. It was something I would look forward to, and not once did I regret it throughout that whole period. I acted as a son would to his father.
I never noticed that my girlfriend was silently suffering because of my frequent conversations with him. Or rather, I did but only did so much to compensate for that in my feeling of guilt. To be honest, there were so many times when she would indirectly point it out that he and I would often talk to each other about it to figure out some way to move around it. In short, we tried adjusting to how she was feeling with this whole idea but we only did so slightly.
Things kept piling up, and I would rather not publically put what happened in much detail anymore, only to say that from then on, there have been several rifts in my relationship as of late. These rifts have just proven to me time and again how mentally and emotionally unstable I actually am........... Which is why I try to divert from myself by worrying about other people or to engage myself in doing other things such as watch a TeniMyu (Prince of Tennis Musical), read online manga or record songs on the computer.
Lately when I get emotional, it takes a while for me to regain my right state of mind; oftentimes people have to virtually hit me via slapping or thwacking me with something to get the point across. Sometimes, people just have to shout via going all caps on me to wake me up from the depression stage that I get into. In a nutshell, I'm fragile. It takes a while for me to concretely form what I believe in and recover from something. It takes a while for me to fill the void space that was once filled with such happy memories for me to completely move on.
These days I've been trying to take two steps forward to move on. But while one foot has already made the first step, the other refuses to move and stays behind so long for me to have to reflect so much on everything around me. I had found happiness back then. And I lost it. Whether it was the decisions that I made or that I was led to this unhappy outcome is something beyond my control. I know that this time... I want to be a better person. This time, I want to make someone be proud of what I do. This time, I want to help not just myself, but other people move on from what hurts them the most.
This time... I want to master myself and my emotions. I want to face everything with an open mind and heart and get through these stormy seas to hopefully find myself in calm waters once more. And I strongly believe that that time will surely come.
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EDIT: It's funny how I'm applying a few things he's told me to do when it comes to moving on. You notice I've been using past tense a few times when I refer to the relationship (at least the relationship that went out of line, causing rifts in my relationship to form) I shared with him. The reason for that is simple. I made a decision. And in making that decision, I want to move on from it without having to turn back anymore.
Drifting away from that relationship is the best, even if it hurts. At least, this way, we can both continue forward without having to hinder each other from attaining that which makes us happy. I'm ready to take the two steps forward I need to make with my head held high.
Of course, I will always be open to conversation. I can always be reached.... in the same way we've been communicating with one another. ^___________^
As I am sure you are all curious, I am still with my girlfriend and our 7th monthsary had just passed roughly half an hour ago as of this post.
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With this, I bid a good mornight to one and all.
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